


I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well and I can see all that you saw within myself

by Velocity_Owl87



Series: Qui Gon's Parallel Life [10]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Career Change, Cat/Human Hybrids, Friendship/Love, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Introspection, Kidnapping, M/M, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Pre-Relationship, Recovery, Trauma, Unethical Experimentation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-06 19:40:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17945894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Velocity_Owl87/pseuds/Velocity_Owl87
Summary: Due to a Force vision that Anakin had, Obi-Wan and the Council are now aware of Qui-Gon being in danger after he's been missing from a mission.He is rescued, but has been experimented on and is much changed. With his career finished, his relationships in flux, and his instincts to deal with, Qui-Gon needs to find a way to forge a new path and rebuild his friendships.And maybe even turn one into something more.





	1. I Guess You Fell Into The Wrong Hands

**Author's Note:**

> I saw this amazing fanart of Qui-Gon as a lion and this story was born. What was supposed to be a small one shot kind of developed since I wanted to know how things would change and the why of the situation. It's neither a beginning or an end. Just a snapshot in time, kind of a story. 
> 
> Title is from "Vindicated" and many thanks for Captain_Kiri_Storm and Lostintonothingness for chats and encouragement.

The uneasiness hit Obi-Wan sometime in the afternoon after he had finished showing Anakin the foundations of all the forms again for their practice. They were simple katas, but they kept both of them focused enough that when the dread hit, it was strong enough to make Obi-Wan pause and press his hand to his stomach. The feeling was so strong that Obi-Wan felt a physical ache.

He winced, rubbing his midsection to ease the pain when he turned to see Anakin’s gaze was unfocused and far away, the training saber slipping from his slack grip as he focused inwardly. It hit the floor, but Anakin didn’t even notice it, so focused he was on what he was seeing.

“A vision.” Obi-Wan murmured, waiting for it to pass so that he could ask Anakin what he had seen and if it was tied up with his own symptoms. He took a deep breath and waited for both the ache and for Anakin’s vision to pass, which luckily only lasted for a few minutes longer.

Anakin shook it off quickly and looked at Obi-Wan. His blue eyes were dark and serious as they met Obi-Wan’s own. He hated to admit it, but the gaze was so unnerving to Obi-Wan that he had to steel himself before he even could bring himself to ask Anakin what he had seen.

Anakin though, was the one to speak first.

“Qui-Gon is in trouble. Bad trouble.” Anakin shrank into himself after that pronouncement, shivering as he recalled the details as Obi-Wan had taught him.

“He was trapped after he finished his mission. He doesn’t know why they took him. Only that it hurts. He thinks he won’t survive what they’re doing to him.” Anakin finished, his voice small and thin as he finished.

Obi-Wan chewed on his lip. He had thought that it was much too long for Qui-Gon to have maintained his silence. Not to mention the fact that he was due to come back from his mission three weeks back. He had been uneasy about the delay, but it hadn’t been unusual for Qui-Gon to get delayed. Especially if he was handling a sensitive mission.

He had tried to dismiss his worries, but now that Anakin had voiced the fears he had tried to release or push down, he had to admit he had been right to be afraid.

His mouth pressed into a thin line as the fear for Qui-Gon grew. They had to tell the Council in order to get Qui-Gon back. They had to get him back before they got nothing but a body back. If they got even that much back.

“Let’s get cleaned up. We need to tell the Council.”

~*~*~*~*~

Qui-Gon curled up on the camp cot that they had given him after they had been done with him. He shivered and curled up tighter, biting his lip as the numerous wounds on his body and the sutures at the base of his spine and his head.

Those spots had been covered by thick bacta soaked pads covered up with bandages that he had been beaten for touching. They hurt, so it wasn’t like he was doing it often. But they still didn’t want him to damage any of the work that they had done to him. And they were not shy with punishing him for not obeying instructions

Rather than suffer more pain, he left it alone. Everything else that they were doing to him put him in chronic pain. He didn’t want more of it. Nor did he want anymore permanent injuries. As it was, his hearing was off and he couldn’t tell if it was from trauma or something else. All of his Force control was skewered and constricted with the experiments they performed on him and drugs they pumped into him. It left him weaker than before and unable to heal himself and his connection to the living force non-existent.

That was the worst it. He could withstand the rest that they did to him, but being cut off from the living force was what going to break him completely in the end. He stifled a sob at the thought, not wanting to think about the breaking point and what would happen after he reached it. Would they use him as a weapon? Make him go against his fellow Jedi?

Or worse, against his-

Footsteps echoed down the hallway of the cell they held him in and his mind quickly shut down, forcing itself down into the blankness that was the only thing allowing him to get through the day. He wouldn’t give them anything else to use against him.

They could turn and twist his body, alter him, feed him drugs, but he’d not give them his mind.

He didn’t move when they entered the cell. Nor did he give them any help when they manhandled him over to the lab.

It was petty, but it was the only weapon left to him at that moment.

He hoped that this was the final stage of it all.

~*~*~*~*~

“We know of your concern, Master Kenobi. Knight Vos and Master Tahl have been dispatched in order to retrieve Master Jinn.” Master Koon stated calmly when Obi-Wan and Anakin entered the Council Chamber.

Obi-Wan nodded, trying to calm his rapidly beating heart. He looked at Anakin, who was breathing hard and waiting for the Council to say something more.

“Do they need back up? Perhaps Anakin and I could be of assistance.” Obi-Wan suggested, careful to not appear too eager in front of the Council. He didn’t want them digging too deeply into his reasons for offering his and his Padawan’s aid. Especially when he wasn’t sure of how exactly he was feeling and thinking of his disappeared Master.

He and Anakin stood there, waiting for the judgement that was being decided in low murmurs amongst the Council. He forced himself to not fidget and sent the same cautious direction to Anakin. He felt the agreement through their bond, just like he felt the same relief when the Council stopped discussing the matter and fell silent.

“Your request has been accepted. Be ready to head out in a cycle. Dismissed.”

Obi-Wan and Anakin bowed and murmured their greetings before they left the chamber as sedately as they possibly could and headed back to their rooms.

They stayed quiet until they entered their quarters, which was when Obi-Wan finally let go of his control. He sighed and roughly raked his hands through his hair before turning to Anakin.

“Anakin, do you remember any other information that could be useful in this operation?”

Anakin scrunched his nose as he brought back the memory of the mission and carefully went over the vision in order to give his Master what he had asked for. He tried as hard as he could because he _knew_ of the feelings his Master Obi-Wan had for Master Jinn, even if they hadn’t given any outward hint of it to anyone else but him.

And even then, he wasn’t sure if they even were aware of how much they had given away. They were subtle, but to someone that had required his powers of observation to survive, they were as bright as beacons in the night.

He also understood, despite his fifteen years, what it was like to be separated from the person that he loved the most in the world. So he did as he was told and focused as much as he possibly could.in order to get more information.

He tried for as long as he possibly could before he finally opened his eyes and shook his head at his Master.

“Not much else, Master Obi-Wan. Just the same thing: Plastisteel cells, Permasteel halls, blood...scalpels with red inlays on the handle?” That was an odd detail. He hadn’t seen scalpels in the original vision.

He looked at Obi-Wan, his eyes widening as he spoke the last bit of information.

Obi-Wan frowned, stroking his beard as he contemplated what he had just been told. As he paced back and forth, a truly horrible thought struck him and he turned to look at his apprentice. Anakin had the same expression on his face as Obi-Wan knew was on his.

“The testing facilities on Telos III. Is that what this reminds you of also?” Anakin questioned, making Obi-Wan swear quietly and a burst of fear escape through their bond. The pieces fell into place as he realised that it was similar to the Telos III mission Quinlan Vos and Master Tahl had helped out with two years back.

“We’d better tell Tahl and Quinlan. They may find it useful. Good job, Anakin.” Obi-Wan congratulated him, squeezing Anakin’s shoulder before he went off to make the comm to the Council.

Anakin breathed a sigh of relief at being able to help and went to the fresher to finally wash up after their aborted training. He noticed how sticky his clothes suddenly felt and went to do something about it, leaving Obi-Wan to pass on the information and possibly get himself under control again to prepare for what they would find if they were called in.

Something that Anakin didn’t doubt, since it was Master Tahl and Quinlan Vos doing the rescue. Both of them knew of the strength of Master Jinn and Obi-Wan’s connection. They would call them in. Anakin was sure of it.

It would be something that he’d want if he was in the same position as his own Master.

~*~*~*~*~

Qui-Gon came awake in stages, not like the usual alertness that was the norm for him. He was groggy, and his head felt thick and fuzzy. His vision was distorted in some way he couldn’t define and the colours were...Off. How, he didn’t have enough brain power to explain.Only that they were. Had this room always been this bright grey and white? His mouth was dry and his tongue felt rough. Very rough. It was odd, but he’d been through enough hangovers to know the feeling.

He laid his head onto the pillow and groaned at the dull, throbbing pain at the base of spine, the top of his head, and at the tips of his fingers. They felt as if hot needles had been poked under his nails, something that had happened on a mission in his youth and had never quite banished from his memory no matter how much he tried.

He curled up his hands, but found his fingers surrounded by thick cotton. They also hurt, so he had to relax them. All of this he found odd. He tried bringing his hands up to see and was surprised to see that all ten fingers and palms were bandaged. He craned his head to see if his back was too when instead he saw _it._

 _It_ turned out to be a long, feline looking tail with a tuft of fur at the end. A tail that quirked up when he looked at it, as if it knew that he wanted to get a closer look at it.

Qui-Gon blinked, sure that it was some side effect of the medications he was on. As it was, he could see the lines feeding into his bandaged hands. In the crooks of his elbows still pumping fluids into his veins. Yet when he thought that, the tail twitched rapidly and he hissed at the soreness it caused at the end of his back.

This was real. He had a tail attached to him. A Cathar looking tail that was moving faster more as his anxiety grew. It hurt him and he tamped the whimpers that were trying to escape his throat down. He wasn’t going to give in to this little bit of pain. Not after all they had done to him for weeks, or perhaps months. He wasn’t sure how long it had been. Only that it had felt like it had been many cycles ago that he had been put on his mission, only to be captured and made into their test subject.

Yet after focusing on the pain, he couldn’t think of anything else to do. His Force sense was still cut off and he could only get vague impressions of what was happening around him. There was a crackling, prickly sense of something happening. He couldn’t rely on his hearing, since it was dull and muffled, as if cotton wool had been stuffed into his ears.

But it wasn’t enough to rouse him out of the dull shock that he had plunged into once he had catalogued all of his hurts. They had trained him far too well to not be curious and to not take chances. He hated to be this pathetic and so weak, but he _hurt_. His whole world was simply pain and a blurred distance between himself and the Living Force that had always sustained him.

And now, with the tail that they had somehow grafted onto him, he was an abhorrence on top of being tortured and he wondered if he would be turned into a complete beast or left to die like that, in a room as coldly clinical as a prison or a morgue. He closed his eyes, not wanting to face his reality any longer.

Qui-Gon didn’t even try to shore himself up with the Jedi code or admonish himself for giving up. He was so tired at that moment. So very tired and he only wanted to sink into the thick blanket of unconsciousness and push it away for another day. Maybe then he’d be able to cope.

He had just sunk into the thin, crackling mattress of the cot he was in when the electric feel of the room amped up, crackling and licking along his spine and forcing him to sit up and pay attention. Which he did. He sat up and turned to look at the door.

The door that buckled and screeched as the Force was being used on it to tear it open. He sat transfixed, watching as the durasteel and plastisteel of the door cracked and warped. After a moment, it broke into three large pieces that were pulled away to reveal a grimy and determined Anakin, followed by-

“Obi-Wan.”

Qui-Gon whispered it like a prayer as Obi-Wan wasted no time in coming to him. Obi-Wan looked him over, his face still, but his eyes shining like storms before he wrapped his arms around Qui-Gon. It wasn’t a gentle embrace, it made Qui-Gon wheeze and his tail swish rapidly back and forth, but he couldn’t bear to break it up. Not after he had longed for it for so long.

They stayed like that, clinging to each other, savouring the feel of each other and the tentative healing of their old bond when a beep broke the silence of the moment.

“Masters...We have to go. Master Tahl and Knight Vos have finished the mission. We need to get going.” Anakin spoke up, his voice low and deceptively neutral. He was struggling, but neither man wanted to address it. Anakin was trying to control his emotions over the entire situation and neither one of them would chide him for his effort.

“Very well. Help me get Master Jinn sorted out.” Obi-Wan instructed as he reluctantly pulled away from Qui-Gon and started to gently take out the numerous lines his former Master had been tethered to.

~*~*~*~*~

“What have they turned him into?!?” Anakin burst out the moment that they had been kicked out of the halls of healing by an irritated Master Che and told to rest up and eat for 12 hours before they would be allowed back in to see Master Jinn. Neither one of them had been happy, but Obi-Wan had obeyed, despite every instinct screaming at him to not leave Qui-Gon alone. Even though he trusted Master Che, he still couldn’t help the horror that had crept up in his throat whenever he thought of Qui-Gon and all of the mutilations they had forced upon him. It was true that the worst of it had been hidden under bacta soaked bandages, making him smell like overripe fruit.

But the tail. Like a Cathar’s tail that swayed with every emotion that went through Qui-Gon, was not.It was alien and grotesque and Obi-Wan hated himself for thinking of the man he loved in those terms, but he couldn’t help it. He did release those feelings to the Force and instead focused on helping Anakin parse through his own turbulent emotions that had him practically vibrating as he paced the length of their quarters.

“Where they trying to breed him? Turn him into a biological weapon like those others in Telos III? What exactly did they want with him?” Anakin yelled, making their sofa shoot a couple of feet forward with a screech against the wooden floor. He winced at the noise and lifted his hand to push it back into place.

“I’m sorry, Obi-Wan. I should have had better control than that.” He muttered, his face flushed with embarrassment at having acted like an undisciplined youngling rather than the Padawan he was.

Obi-Wan smiled thinly. He couldn’t reproach him at a time like this. Not when he was only just holding onto his control by a thin thread himself. Qui-Gon had been captured and mutilated. Despite the fancy jargon found in the files of all the tests and “modifications” and “improvements”, the truth was simple. Qui-Gon’s DNA had been manipulated and he was no longer the same man he had been.  He was something else altogether and only the Healers and Medics could figure out how much he had been changed. And whether it could be reversed.

“I’d be a hypocrite if I were to lecture you on control at this time. This isn’t the time for recriminations. Not when Qui-Gon is in the state he is in.” He paused and took a deep breath, exhaling it in an effort to center himself. He had avoided thinking of what would come next. He didn’t want to. Not when everything was in such a flux.

Anakin nodded, his blush receding as he thought of Master Jinn in the halls of healing, his dark blue eyes wide as they darted around the room as the Healers got closer to work on him before they were unceremoniously thrown out. Even if it was worded politely, they had been shown the door. And now they had nothing to do but wait and hope for the best.

“So what happens now? What are we doing?” Anakin whispered. Obi-Wan sighed.

“Right now, do as Master Che says. We eat, sleep, and then we wait to see what happens next.” Obi-Wan murmured, reaching out at the faint bond that had tied him and Qui-Gon together for so long. He felt a spark of relief at the connection and he breathed a sigh of relief.

It wasn’t quite as strong as it had been when they had first seen each other, the reply, but at least it was there. It could be built upon and coaxed into something stronger. There was hope things would work out yet.

Anakin must have sensed the same thing, since he only nodded and stopped his pacing.

“Do you want to use the Fresher first, Obi-Wan?” Obi-Wan shook his head and waved him away.

“Go ahead. I’ll get some food. Make some tea in the meantime.” Anakin nodded and headed off, leaving Obi-Wan in the living room alone.

He went to the kitchen and put the kettle to boil, getting out Sapir and two mugs. While the kettle was boiling, He commed to get several meals delivered to his quarters and went to measure out tea into the mugs, not quite understanding why he had chosen to do so, since Anakin had an aversion to tea.

He only knew that he had to do it and only figured out the reason why when the door chimed and he found a grimly exhausted Tahl standing on the other side with a service droid laden down with takeaway boxes.

She sighed and looked at him, her eyes dull and dark as she did.

“May I come in? After what Master Che said and what I found in the files...I don’t want to be alone and dwelling on it.”

Obi-Wan stepped aside to let her and the droid in.

He understood now why he had made the tea.


	2. Hope dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Qui-Gon gets his life together, not without a few stumbles and false starts along the way towards some happiness of some sort.

Tahl sat on the chair next to Qui-Gon’s bed and tried to not openly stare at her friend’s tail as it curled up around his waist, looking like a furry belt. He was kneading his robe, his claws retracted for the time being as he digested the news she had brought him. It was her mission after all. Obi-Wan and Anakin had been support as Tahl and Vos did the dirty work.

It had been a month cycle since he had been rescued, and as much as she would have loved to see him back in his quarters and on the field, she was all too aware that wasn’t to be just yet. Or maybe ever.

Due to his physical changes, the healers decided that it would be best for Qui-Gon to remain in the Medical Wing of the temple until they figured out how to best help him cope with all of the adjustments of his body. Something Qui-Gon was reluctant to do until he had a serious allergic reaction to his beloved Sapir that had him flat on his back again. He had been ensconced into his own room since, yet this was the first time that Tahl had gotten to see it, since she had been frightfully busy with her own archival duties.

She hadn’t expected the healers to be so adamant about keeping the visit within the wing, but watching (or trying to not watch) Qui-Gon’s behaviours, she understood why the healers felt that he was better off separated from the rest of the temple for the time being.

Keeping this in mind, she forced herself to study the room that was now Qui-Gon’s living quarters and would be for an unforeseeable length of time. The healers were aware that it could be awhile before Qui-Gon went to his quarters and had strived to make his stay as comfortable and stimulating as possible. Datapads and flimsi books lined a small bookcase along with flimsi and writing utensils. Soft blankets and pillows were piled about the room and a few hibiscus plants scattered about on high shelves to satisfy Qui-Gon’s connection to the Living Force. They puzzled her, since they weren’t the usual plants he favoured, but she had no time to ponder that since Qui-Gon’s low, rumbly voice broke the silence between them.

“So they were trying to turn people like me into guard pets?” Qui-Gon asked, his voice low and rumbling as he finally spoke. Tahl focused her gaze back onto him and nodded, taking in the soft brown furred ears that sat on top of his head. They weren’t triangular like a tooka’s, but rounded like a Cathar’s. His human ears were gone, just pink scar tissue where they had been.

“Pretty much. They were trying to market the hybrids created as the next luxury items. Capable of defence and pleasure.” She swallowed hard before she continued, since it had been as appalling to reiterate this time as it was the first time, “And breeding. Technically, they would be able to breed a troop if they were inclined.”

Qui-Gon’s tail quivered, despite his face being coolly blank and Tahl noted that even with training, he’d never be able to overcome that. Not when it was wired into his nervous system. Even with the Force, his tail gave away all his thoughts and emotions.

Qui-Gon cleared his throat. “Did they succeed with the others? Or was I the only lucky one?”

Tahl smiled despite herself. “They had started the first phase of their testing when we arrived. It seems that the idea of turning a Force User into a pet was too tempting for them to pass up, so they focused their efforts on you more. They are all fine and back with their families. All ten of them.”

Qui-Gon closed his eyes, his ears drooping and his tail twitching.

“It was worth the sacrifice then, to have them safe and for the entire enterprise destroyed.” Qui-Gon pointed out quietly, yet Tahl could sense the defeat and sadness in his voice. She moved closer and sat next to him, careful to not crush his tail. The last couple of times had not been pleasant. They all had the marks to show for it.

She took his hand and Qui-Gon sagged against her.

“I’m done Tahl. They can’t fix any of it and I can’t control it. Despite the mind healers and the soul healers, all of my instincts can’t be trained out.” He confided in a low voice, a secret almost too shameful to speak out loud.

Tahl pursed her lips and tentatively wrapped her arm around him, bringing him closer.

“Do Obi-Wan and Anakin know?”

Qui-Gon heaved a sigh. “They were with me when I got the news.I think they’re doing well. But then, even if Obi-Wan wasn’t, you know he’d pretend otherwise in order to help me.”

Tahl nodded as Qui-Gon looked at her, his eyes sad. “I don’t want him or Anakin to feel like they have to _fix_ me. It’s not their job, that much I learned from the healers and you after so long in trying to deny that I even needed help.”

Tahl murmured something comforting, relieved that he was taking the help being offered rather than turning inward and nursing his hurt like he was prone to do.

Qui-Gon shook his head. “I need to tell them that next time we see each other. They’re on a mission now.”

Tahl turned to look at him, surprise all over her features as she looked at her oldest friend.

“Council Order. They couldn’t refuse a direct order and come out of it without consequences. And if anyone in the Council suspects there is more to our relationship than mere attachment…”

He shook his head and pulled away from her to look at her.  He didn’t have to say anything else. They both were painfully aware of what the Council’s ruling would be.

“Enough of my issues though. Tell me what is going on with you. How is your research going?”

It wasn’t a subtle change of subject, but Tahl took the out he offered with alacrity.

“Well, I think that I’ve managed to find enough sources on the Mandalorian Clans to actually start a compendium of sorts.”

Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow, his tail flickering in interest. “Really? What would you cover in it?”

Tahl smiled and launched into her explanation, pushing any lingering discomfort between away with her animated explanation, letting Qui-Gon push away his present worries and pretend, even if it was for a short while, that things were like they always had been.

~*~*~*~*~

Obi-Wan chewed on his lip as he stared at the blank page of flimsi in front of him, his pen twirling in his hands as he debated what to write to Qui-Gon. A comm would have been simpler, but he felt that what he needed to share with Qui-Gon deserved more than just a comm. Especially with how they had left off matters.

He frowned and stroked his chin at the unpleasant memory of being told they had to leave on a mission not even two days after Qui-Gon’s rescue.

_“Mandalore? Now? Can’t it be held off? Or another team sent instead?” Obi-Wan demanded, making Anakin look at him curiously and the Council murmur amongst themselves._

_“The Council has decided it must be so. Your erstwhile Master is on the injury roster and will be temple bound until he is either back to himself or another position can be found for him. Surely you understand that your responsibility to Master Jinn ended the moment he was admitted to the Halls of Healing and that your responsibility is to fulfil the missions the Council gives you, don’t you, Knight Kenobi?”_

_Mace Windu asked calmly, yet Obi-Wan was all too aware of the meaning behind the words._

_He bowed his head and murmured a reply, Anakin mimicking his actions despite having questions as they did so. Yet he had enough sense to remain quiet until they reached their quarters._

_“It’s a test, isn’t it?” Anakin asked the moment that they were in their rooms._

_“An impossible one, yes. We wouldn’t have given the right answer no matter what. If we push to stay with Master Jinn, it’s clear attachment. If we leave him, clearly we are disgusted and not showing enough compassion for a damaged companion. We can’t win, Anakin.”_

_Obi-Wan admitted, roughly rubbing his face as he spoke._

_“Kriff them. It’s Master Jinn! He was destroyed by Telos III. They couldn’t have more compassion for him? He’s one of their best Jedi and now...It’s not fair, Obi-Wan. It’s not fair of them to punish all of us like this.” Anakin sulked._

_“He will have Tahl. He will be fine. He would understand. Probably more than us. He will be fine until we return.” Obi-Wan assured him, clapping him on the shoulder the same way that Qui-Gon did to him._

_“Now we need to pack. Shuttle leaves in four hours.”_

Obi-Wan shook himself out of the past to again look down on the sheet of flimsi from a packet that Tahl had pressed upon him before he had left for his latest mission.

It seemed as if the Council was determined to have him and Anakin stay any longer than a few days at the Temple now that Qui-Gon was temple bound. He had to wonder, deep down, if it was as an innocent a coincidence as it seemed. Or quite simply a ploy to keep them from renewing their attachment to each other. An attachment that hadn’t faded since their Master and Padawan days and had remained. Even if it was just a small bond and not as strong as it was before.

He wondered if Tahl was aware of it and why she had chosen to see him and Anakin off, gifting them Sapia and the flimsi that both Anakin and Obi-Wan had been confused by at first.

“You may need this. Use it wisely.” She had murmured into his ear before leaving to her archives. She had given him a sympathetic smile then that had eased a lot of his apprehension and left him to take the mission with a lighter heart.

Now, after two weeks out, he had to write.

“ _Dear Master,_

_It’s not the usual mode of communication, but Tahl is to blame. Or thank. Whichever you would want to do._

_I hope you’re nearly free from the Halls, since I know how much you dislike being there. I also hope that things have worked out enough for that to happen and I hope to see it when we come back. Hopefully soon._

_It has been too long since we last saw each other. Especially with how our last few meetings were less than ideal. I and Anakin hope to see you in better circumstances. Preferably in your quarters rather than the Medical wing._

_Dealing with Mandalore is like herding tookas. So one never knows what will happen. No civil war this time, so thank goodness for small blessings. Anakin is growing like a weed and is a credit to our line. Must talk to him about not being so obvious in regards to Senator Amidala._

_We miss you dearly and we hope to see you soon. Maybe even have a cup of Sapir with you.”_

He didn’t sign it. Instead he folded it and sealed the envelope with wax and sent it off. If he sat there and thought about it for too long, he would never send it.

He knew that Qui-Gon would be able to read between the lines and be able to craft his own reply. But only if he sent it.

And the last thing he wanted to do was hurt Qui-Gon again.

He hated to admit it, but he had. He and Anakin both due to being unable to control their reactions to the news that Master Che had given Qui-Gon.

He wished he could take that reaction back. But it was so visceral to see the changes in Qui-Gon, to have his scent change from green things and sunshine to something muskier and animalistic. To see the ears and the tail and the claws...All of it had broken through his shields. Anakin had picked up on it and reacted accordingly.

Qui-Gon knew. Despite smiling and giving them their space and understanding, Qui-Gon was aware of what they thought and felt for him.

Yet he had pushed it away and told them to not worry and that made Obi-Wan feel guiltier for reacting in such a manner. Surely this was just a simple obstacle to be overcome. He loved Qui-Gon. Had loved him throughout all those years, even when Qui-Gon had been at his stubborn worst.

So why had he been unable to accept him after he had been changed?

_“Because he not only repulses you, it is also something you can’t do anything about to fix. It’s not like before, where there was another solution. He is stuck like that. Broken and useless. And you can’t do a kriffing thing about it, can you, Kenobi? And that eats at you, doesn’t it, Kenobi? The fact that you can’t save the one you love just guts you, right?”_

His mind had whispered to him in the dark hours of the night and as much as he meditated on the matter, the conclusion was clear.

And he needed to face these feelings head on. Soon.

He sighed and busied himself with putting the writing tools away when Anakin called out to him, forcing him to release everything into the Force and focus on the mission at hand.

So he went, forgetting the letter at least until three days later, a pale green envelope was handed to him with his name written in that bold script he would know anywhere.

He smiled at the sight.

It was the start he had longed to get and he was glad to receive it. They could begin again.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Tahl and Qui-Gon sat in the room of a Thousand Fountains, quietly basking in the light. Neither one was keen on conversation at that moment so they opted to lie quietly and dose within the currents of the Living Force.

Qui-Gon was usually quiet after his sessions with the mind healer, since it took him some time to think about the sessions and focus on the tasks he would sometimes be sent off with. Tahl was quiet due to exhaustion over her research and compilations that she was tasked in preparing for missions in unknown regions. So they sat in companionable silence until they felt the force signatures of several small beings in their presence.

Qui-Gon was the first to snap out of his doze, his sudden alertness making Tahl take notice. She sat up straighter and watched Qui-Gon’s ears move to locate the new presences in the room. Sure enough, there were two or three of the very small youngling hiding behind a small bush, chittering and whispering amongst themselves. Their eyes were wide as they took in his ears and the tail that swayed back and forth in lazy loops.

It clicked for both of them at the same time and she bit the inside of her cheek as the younglings did their best to sneak up behind Qui-Gon to get a better look at him. Not only was he a Master Jedi, he had a _tail_. She desperately wanted to laugh, but she didn’t dare in case she hurt not only Qui-Gon’s feelings, but the younglings as well.

Although Qui-Gon was working hard to overcome his situation, Tahl knew he was still sensitive as being thought of as some animal or freak. He also didn’t like for his tail to be touched since it was sensitive and it could leave him paralysed or worse if it was damaged. So he tended to be wary of anything near his tail. Including younglings.

So she hid her amusement and kept an eye out in case she needed to interfere.

Luckily, she didn’t have to, since the younglings ever so carefully crept up to her and stopped in front of Qui-Gon.

“Master Jinn?” The boldest one, a human chirped up nervously.

“Yes little one?” Qui-Gon purred, keeping his voice low as to not scare him.

“Can you tell us a story? About your tail?”

Tahl watched closely, her amusement gone as she watched the emotions play through his face too quickly discern before he finally smiled and gestured at them to sit down.

“I was on a dangerous mission out when I was captured.” Qui-Gon explained, making the younglings gasp.

“Bad people, Master Jinn?” The Rodian youngling asked. The third, a lasat, whimpered and clung to his human friend.

Qui-Gon nodded. “Bad people.”

“So how did you get out?” The little Lasat lisped.

Qui-Gon smiled, looking at Tahl. “Master Tahl, could you tell them how?”

Master Tahl smiled and launched herself into the tale while the younglings migrated closer and closer until she had the Rodian in her lap and the Lasat and the human youngling cuddled into Qui-Gon’s lap. They remained in his lap as the story continued, even falling asleep after a few more stories.

They didn’t wake them up until the creche master came to gather them up for the late-meal, his relief outweighing his shock at seeing them with Tahl and Qui-Gon.

“Credit for your thoughts?” Tahl murmured after they had dusted themselves off and took themselves off to the refectory for their own late meal.

Qui-Gon looked at her, making a small “mrp” sound at the question before grinning.

“I think I may have an answer to give to the Council for my next assignment. As long as the younglings don’t pull my tail, I think I could work in the creche.”

Tahl smiled, relieved at what she was hearing. For months now, Qui-Gon had been struggling on what to do now that he wasn’t on the active roster. He had been rotating, but hadn’t made a decision. Until now. Hearing he wanted to work in the creche was great news.

“I think you could also. It would be good for you.” Tahl murmured, patting his back and making him purr.

He had a purpose again and Tahl was glad that her friend was slowly starting to come out of his limbo.

Well, one aspect of it at least.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Qui-Gon only got a few moment’s warning from the Force to lift his tail out of the curious Twi’lek youngling’s grasp. He turned to look at the youngling, who was still staring at the tail that was just out of reach and tried to ignore Obi-Wan’s amusement as it lit up their still weak bond. He sent a pulse of irritation and a plea for help that Obi-Wan finally acted upon. Even if he was still smirking at him with barely hidden laughter.

“Sufira, I know Master Jinn’s tail is very lovely, but it’s not a toy. It will hurt him if you grab it. Just like your lekku can be hurt if someone isn’t careful touching them.”

Sufira’s eyes widened and she put a protective hand over her little lekku, the lesson sinking in.

“I’m sorry, Master Jinn. Your tail is just so soft. And Meru said it was like touching a cloud. I didn’t know it hurt you! I’m sorry!” Her big blue eyes filled with tears as she rushed to pat Master Jinn to make sure that he wasn’t hurt due to her carelessness.

“Sufira, I’m alright. No harm done. But if you had squeezed or bent it the wrong way, it could have hurt. I’m alright. You can even touch it yourself to see. Just no grabbing. Maybe Master Kenobi can show you?”

Master Kenobi’s eyes narrowed in suspicion only a bit, but did as he was told. Neither of them wanted to have a crying Twi’lek on their hands that would set off the other younglings under their supervision. They had only just now got them calm enough to get ready for their afternoon naps and were in no way willing to have all their work spoiled.

He gave Qui-Gon a hurried glance to make sure that this really was okay. Despite Qui-Gon’s tail having been part of him for seven month cycles now, Obi-Wan kept a safe distance. He had learned his lesson once he was scratched when he had nearly crushed it by accidentally sitting on it. Qui-Gon had been embarrassed and apologetic about the incident, but Obi-Wan had made sure to always keep note of the tail and to not touch it if he could help it, which luckily wasn’t often.

 _“Go on.”_ Qui-Gon encouraged him, making Obi-Wan swallow hard and nod as he gently petted the tail as if it was made of the finest Nabooian silk. He dug his fingers in a bit and he could sense Qui-Gon’s pleasure at the touch, noting how his hands curled and uncurled at the touching. He made a mental note of it before he turned to Sufira.

“See Sufira? Master Jinn is fine. Just be gentle when you touch his tail. Ready?”

She nodded and let Obi-Wan take her hand to make a few passes over Qui-Gon’s tail before she was satisfied and ran off to tell her friends about the experience. Obi-Wan shook his head, pulling away when Qui-Gon cleared his throat, making that rumbling purr noise that had become the norm for him. Obi-Wan turned to him, one eyebrow raised as he did.

“Thank you for helping me there. With Sufira, I mean. She’s been angling to touch my tail for a while, but I hadn’t quite figured out how to satisfy her curiosity without hurting her feelings or hurting me.” Qui-Gon explained, his eyes on the younglings to make sure that they were quietly playing. He glanced at the chrono and saw that they had ten minutes before nap time was to begin. Maybe it would be enough time to start the conversation that they had been circling about for quite awhile.

Obi-Wan snorted. “I’m sure you could have handled it, but you’re welcome either way. I mean, you can’t blame her for her curiosity. It’s not like the other Creche Masters have tails. And it’s so fluffy and soft. It’s enough to tempt anyone to sneak a touch.”

Obi-Wan explained quietly as he realised that it was also the case with him.

After the earlier brushes with Qui-Gon’s tail, he had kept a respectful distance due to being swiped and also due to the alienness of it. He had to work at not reacting to it, something that had become easier to go as he saw the way that the younglings fawned over it and over Qui-Gon, their new Creche Master.

Something that he was still getting used to associating his old Master with. Although Qui-Gon was a good teacher and good with his youngling rotation, Obi-Wan never thought that it would have been a path Qui-Gon would really want to pursue. Yet he had been pleasantly surprised when he had come back from his last gruelling mission in Mandalore a couple of days back to see Qui-Gon sitting at his table, mug of tea steaming at his elbow as he had pored over a datapad while making notes.

“What’s all this then?” Obi-Wan had asked as he reached over to look at the text on the other datapad by the mug.

 _“Early Childhood Pedagogy.”_  He read outloud, making Qui-Gon look up from his work.

“Yes. Since I’m not on the active roster and some of the younglings have responded well to me when I’ve been in the room of the thousand fountains, the Council asked if I would be willing to be a Creche Master to fill in the gaps here and there.”

Qui-Gon had explained, taking a break to sip at his tea, humming in appreciation at the darker, less floral brew that smelled of bergamot and black tea. Something that was much more similar to what Obi-Wan himself enjoyed, rather than the Sapir Qui-Gon usually favoured. He must have sent the surprise out into their delicate bond since Qui-Gon looked up a bit sheepishly.

“Oh. I can’t have Sapir anymore. It reacts negatively with the changes. Kind of like cats and houseplants, you know. We found out after I had an allergic reaction.” Qui-Gon admitted, blushing slightly as he spoke. Obi-Wan nodded and rather than dwell on that, he put the datapad down and went to make himself a cup. He wasn’t quite in the mood for tea, but he didn’t want to ruin a visit with again noting how much things had changed.

“Thank goodness that you’ve finally developed taste for a proper brew then, Qui-Gon. So when will you start taking over the creche?” Obi-Wan had asked, returning with the mug to sit with Qui-Gon.

“In a few months. I have to pass my qualifications and I’ll be with the babies and toddlers.” Qui-Gon replied. 

Obi-Wan nodded taking a sip of the recently unwanted tea that after one sip, made him glad he had taken the drink and sat down to talk to Qui-Gon.

“That’s great. You have bounced back and done so well after everything that happened to you. I’m very proud of you.”

Normally, he wouldn’t have voiced such sentiments. It wasn’t what he was used to. But he was making the effort to communicate with Qui-Gon now. Just like Qui-Gon himself was doing as well.

It had been one the steps they had taken to close the breach neither of them would allude to. It was nearly done. Correspondence had helped to start the dialogue, but Obi-Wan was all too aware that there were things better said in person.

That had been the main reason for him coming to the creche once he had made sure Anakin was busy working on his missed schoolwork and helping out.

“Yes, well. I didn’t get that impression from too many others. Including you.”

Qui-Gon replied, pulling him back to the present and to the bantha in the room.

“I was wrong to have given you that impression and I’m sorry for it.” Obi-Wan replied softly, making Qui-Gon look at him.

“Obi...No. Please, you don’t have to apologise. It’s only natural. I had my own moments of revulsion.” He looked down at his hands, splaying his hands to let the claws extend and retract.. His tail flicked back and forth before he smiled thinly at Obi-Wan.

“They changed me and I had to accept that things wouldn’t be the same and I would have to learn to live with all of this. The worst was being separated from you and Anakin and knowing that it hurt you to see me like this and be unable to help me.”

Obi-Wan swallowed hard. “That was part of it. Seeing you hurt and being unable to help. _Again_. I could help to heal your wounds. But this, this was out of my hands. And I felt horrible for finding this alien and-” He swallowed hard as he tried to make himself speak the darkest secret he was holding over Qui-Gon’s appearance.

“Repulsive?” Qui-Gon supplied gently, making a red-faced Obi-Wan nod.

“It hurt a bit. But it’s a natural reaction. What hurt more was the thought of you hiding your trauma in order to help me. Which you don’t need to do. I need you to be there for me, but not to fix me and I don’t want you to kill yourself trying. I made that mistake before and I won’t do it again.”

He looked at Obi-Wan and shifted closer, making Obi-Wan’s face heat up with something else other than shame. They hadn’t sat that closely since the change and Obi-Wan felt his skin and their bond shimmer with electricity that hadn’t been there in a very long time.

“It’s not what you do to someone you love.”

Obi-Wan felt his hearing go for a few moments as the words sunk in.

“You do? Love me?” Obi-Wan squeaked, elation washing away the last dredges of shame and anticipation. Qui-Gon loved him! Despite it all, Qui-Gon loved him!

He swallowed hard as he moved closer to Qui-Gon, reaching up to stroke his face. The gesture made Qui-Gon rumble out a purr that was louder than Obi-Wan remembered.

“I do. Just like I know you feel the same. Or did I misread the letters wrong?”

Obi-Wan shook his head. “You read what they were meant to say. I love you. Even if it took a battering before. I love you.”

That was all that Qui-Gon needed to hear before he kissed Obi-Wan. Gently and softly, but it was full of all that Qui-Gon ever wanted to say, the touch of his lips finally igniting the bond to full life between them, making Obi-Wan gasp.

Qui-Gon smiled as they pulled away, his eyes dark and soft and full of promise.

A promise that would have to wait when Qui-Gon’s chrono beeped.

“Nap time, I’m afraid we will have to continue this later.” Qui-Gon murmured as he pulled away.

“Of course. Should I take my leave? Or would you still like help?” Obi-Wan asked as he and Qui-Gon got up to direct the children to their mats and blankets.

“Stay. Even though it’s the start, I’d rather you stay.”

Obi-Wan smiled, feeling Qui-Gon’s relief and happiness at his agreement.

He knew they would have more to work on. Absences. The Code. Their pasts. Qui-Gon’s changes.

Yet right now, all he cared about was being with the man he loved and not wasting anymore time being away from him.

“Of course.”

End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second and final part that has Qui-Gon finding a new lease on life and love with Obi-Wan. I didn't want for this to be too sad, considering how harsh it was for Qui-Gon. Earn your happy ending indeed!


End file.
